It's awkward, as is Christmas, as is my Birthday. I don't see my dad, I don't feel he takes my childhood issues (and that's putting it more than philadelphia lightly) seriously in any way at all, and blames me for our lack of contact, yet every time it's Xmas or my Bday, he will get me something.
He's come back from France, and bought my brother and I sweets, de france, which I read in a pretty fluffing awesome french accent earlier just for Lexi's entertainment, but indeed sire, I felt guilty when he put it on my bed. I wasn't listening as I was texting Weronika about what blood donation is in spanish, but there it was, some sweets, very French looking, leaning their innocent presence against my malleable soul...
They're just sweets, with no connotations other than 'French weirdness' but the fact that those sweets were picked and put into that bag by that man and his assorted friends and relatives, it makes me guilty to eat them.
This is even worse at Xmas, when I actually long-term use things, and can't just eat the evidence away, and also money from Gran and such like, eurgh, it makes me cringe, it's like I'm using blood money, Products bought with money that retaliates against every cell in my body's morals and values, and I'm finding it very difficult.
I really wish he would only get things for Alex, as alex still sees him every so often, and at xmas and on his birthday, whereas I can't face it. Anything that reminds me of them, I mean, I can't watch the simpsons because it makes me feel sick with the reminders of childhood.
But I can't get them out of my mind, and I know when I eat those sweets, I'll feel so guilty, like I'm eating what I believe to be a strong moral belief of mine, and that is that I am against him, and his weak offers at contact, which just show me he doesn't care.
Buying sweets is nice, but I didn't buy anything for HIM or his wife these xmases or birthdays, and, well, he does for me. I don't know why, but I wish he wouldn't.
If he could stop, then I wouldn't have to think of him, or any of them, during my non-reflective-on-the-past aspect of life, which is the majority here, and well, I want to get away from the fact that he'll never be the father I wanted him to be, because he can't go back in time and save me from all the torment, seeing as he played a big role in it himself.
Thanks for reading...
Ray xx
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