Before I begin, this was written to amuse Louise whilst she was leaving huge gaps of non repliance on skype. I want to share it with you lot, anyway, here goes:
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Once apon a time
Bono and the Edge were strolling through Dublin together, after the dragon had climbed off of the welsh flag and eaten their wives.
They had just been to the joint-funeral, and then the joint-wake where there was kareoke
but Bono had a sore throat
so he didn't join in
he had sat in the corner drinking whiskey slowly crying under his two pairs of sunglasses
So, Bono and the edge were strolling
well the edge was more carrying Bono
around Dublin
in the search for some whiskey
even though the Edge was teetotz
he couldn't bare a night alone
well he'd probably have to stay awake to make sure bono stayed alive
the Edge sat down on a bench, and looked mournfully into the sky, as Bono crashed down onto the pavement
"fuck sake" said the edge hauling bono up by his sunglasses
"what de fuck are ya doin' drinkin' all de fuckin' whiskey in Dublin ye fuckin' eejit"
Bono moaned and started telling The Edge about the various frogs in the rainforest
"bless my soul, you've lost it"
"but mate" said Bono "don't you dare tell me otherwise"
"I won't" he said, the edge
Bono then fell asleep on the edge's shoulder
the very edge of the edge ot the Edge's shoulder
Bono contemplated, along with the author, as to whether 'edge' is even a word as he slept
[ the edge became hungry
his stomach rumbled
"ooh there we go" he said
"Bono, mate, would you wake yourself up now"
"get off the very edge of the edge of my shoulder, are you trying to mock me you bastard?"
"get de fuck up now, i'm fucking starvin' me fuckin shoes off"
Bono looked at him under his dual sunglass layer
"why de fuck d'ye never wear socks"
"you know im allergic to socks"
"that's because you only wear latex ones"
"im not allergic to gloves"
"why would you ever wear gloves"
"i don't know, menial tasks that would get me hands dirty. I save them to practice the guitar, don't want them all spoiled do I"
"I suppose not, I always turn my vocal chords off before bed"
"Bonz, that's impossible... wait you're drunk"
"I'm not" Said Bono, and he fell off the bench again
"alright ya eejit" said the edge, and he lifted Bono up again
"now mate, I said I was hungry, would you phone some food in"
Bono lifted up his mobile, and stared at it blankly
I know XD
"Um...." said Bono scrolling through his phone contacts
"You need to stop naming contacts after U2 songs"
"I'm famous, leave me alone, I might as well be a bit of a twat sometimes"
"you spend too much time with chris martin..." The Edge sighed
"here we go" said Bono and he dialed
The Edge watched with concern
"Hello, this is Bono... urm... I don't have a second name anymore, my friend The Edge ate it"
The Edge furrowed his brow a bit
"I'm not that hungry, bonjela" mumbled the Edge
Bono ignored him and started singing christmas songs down the phone
"it's suprising it's not fucking band aid" spat the edge, but nobody was listening
The Edge gave himself a swift internal slap
he had to stay strong for Bono
he was slowly losing it
By the time the Edge had become himself again, Bono had finished his phone call and was staring at the edge of the edge of the Edge's shadow, just slightly on the edge of the Edge's foot
"Bono look at my face.... no.... my face... that's my thumb, Bono, no... that's my other thumb. BONO MY FACE LOOK AT MY FACE"
Bono looked into the Edge's eyes
the gooey centre of the edge's eyes
"Okay, Bono... Who. Did. You. Phone"
"Am... Urmm.... ahh... something... food?"
"Good on you Bono, was it a takeaway?"
"A what away?"
"A takeaway, you know?"
"I think so"
Bono vomited on the edge of the edge's coat
"Urgh BONO!!"
"What? It was only on the Edge."
The Edge rolled his eyes
Bono started giggling
"Jesus Christ" muttered the Edge
"Blasphemy won't help you, mate" Said Bono
"By the way, I love your thumbs"
"That's great. What did you get us to eat?"
"They said they'd make us something nice"
"They?"
"yeah, y'know"
"To be honest, Bono, I don't know who it is. Who did you call on your phone"
"Something Food related... you know our music"
"We don't write songs about food"
"we do now"
and with that, the sound of a motorbike whizzed around to their bench
Bono, did you order pizza, that might come on a motorbike but I would have thought a mope-"
The Edge's jaw dropped
"Wake de fuck up Bono... "
Bono had fallen asleep on the Edge again
Louise Parker: Was it on the Edge of the Edge, or more in the centre this time?
Rayface Morris: it was on the edge, but not on the edge of the edge, of the Edge
Louise Parker: Thankyou
Rayface Morris: no problem
Rayface Morris: I was going to clarify...
Rayface Morris: anyway:
Bono jumped awake, and a grin spread from sunglass rim to sunglass rim
"Dave, Si, how nice of you to come"
Said Bono
The Edge shook his head in disbelief as the hairy bikers and Bono set about making a steak and ale pie
"come on Edge, I need you to help me chop the steak" said Si
The Edge shook his head.
"do you have any gloves?"
he asked Si
Si laughed at this request
the Edge reluctantly started slicing the raw steak, whilst Bono was left in charge of the dough... with extreme supervision from Dave of course
Dave pulled the edge aside
"here, Edge, what's going on with Bono. He reeks of whisky and he's banging on about frogs"
"It's 'whiskey'" there was a blank stare "with an 'e', you know" said the Edge, whilst Dave nodded, puzzled
"Okay, well, I'll keep him away from the ale for the pie" said Dave, and wondered off to do just that
The Edge swelled with pride as he successfully protected the *proper* Irish spelling
Soon the pie was done, and the four of them sat at a bench and ate it
Bono was beginning to sober up
he was now crying his eyes out, but only one person could tell, the one familiar with his sunglasses
The Edge swallowed his meal in a sympathetic manner towards Bono
Bono pointed his fork in a knowing way
and the hairy bikers didn't notice a thing
soon Si and Dave were on there way, and the Edge was worried about getting cramp in his fingers from the cold
Bono was now solemn
he was sat humming to himself
the Edge didn't know what he was humming, but he knew it was beautiful
the Edge winced at the second swift internal slap
the author had said 'no shipping'
"come on Bono"
"we should go to a hotel or something" said the Edge and he dialled a taxi
Bono took off his sunglasses
and looked the Edge in the eyes
"Edge"
"Yes Bono"
"Do you... do you wanna..."
"Yes?"
"Do you wanna take the last bits of the pie as leftovers?"
"Yes" said the Edge. Stifling tears.
He was hoping Bono would propose to be BBFFs
but for now they would just have to remain BFFs
The Taxi soon came and The Edge and Bono and their leftovers went to a cosy little B&B nearer the centre of Dublin
The Edge got them a twin room, luckily not a double bed.
Bono's sleeping habits are atrocious
The Edge couldn't stand silk boxers against him tonight not after the joint-funeral joint-wake drunk Bono Hairy Bikers escapade of a day
Bono was still quite drunk, so the Edge left him to sleep, while he went to the bar
the Edge was not in the mood, for the en mass arrival of U2 fans that had somehow been tipped off of their location
so he went and shut himself back in their room, and locked the door
it was 10pm by now
the Edge started at the fridge where the steak pie lay dormant, whilst he listened to his iPod on his bed.
he looked over to Bono, sleeping with his sunglasses on again, who was having a fight with his douvet.
the Edge took his headphones out
just in time to hear Bono shout "Edge, man, come back, I'm pregnant, it's twins, and you're the father!!"
Bono collapsed in a mess of douvet
the Edge stared at the pile of Bono
"Mate?"
He knew something was awry
Bono's sunglasses were skewiff and he hadn't woken up
"Mate!" He said
jumping out of bed and shaking him awake
"Just leave me" a voice came out of nowhere
"Bono get up seriously" said the Edge
He pulled the covers off of Bono and dragged him into the bathroom and sat him in the bathtub
"Be a man, Bono"
he turned the shower on cold
and went to bed
No comments:
Post a Comment