Sunday, 14 July 2013


I do too many of these.

Hello, My parents are back from Menorca. They came baring gifts and mild tans, among which was a pack of sweets each for my brother and I.

Whisked away by temptation, I am about to eat said sweets despite the fact I need to be up at 8:30 or something only the working man sees. As always, I feel the powers of my tastebuds should not be witheld from the occasional public viewing, and once again we find ourselves reviewing sweets.

The package is adornished with badly written English, corny ol' Spanish and German that I didn't bother reading as I have forgotten most German except for like: Man solst Freitag acht. Also there are some loverly little picturoonies of various touristy type lugares.

I have to eat these before the 1st of July 2015 and/or the second coming. The Spanish says Hard Sweet Fruit Sweet. I'm finding it brash and perhaps a bit off putting. These sweets aren't polite, they're in your face.

Oooooh it contains E numbers how exciting.
Carcinogens and hyperactivity inducing, highly regulated chemicals are obviously extremely necessary in Hard Sweets Fruit Sweets.

There is no indication as to how many varieties of flavours their are, and I'm shuffling through experiencing some kind of high from the intoxicating smell of these sweets.

I have plucked out 6 individuals to participate in this tasting activity.

We have:
Fresa or Strawberry
Naranja or Orange
Manzana or Apple
Platano or Banana
PiƱa or Pineapple
and the unamed underdog which smells lemony but has a picture of both lemon and lime so we'll go with 'Unpopular Citrus Fruit Flavour'

Seeing as Satan is involved and has included Banana, We will test it first because I hate it and I'm already nearing tears.


Okay, so they're boiled sweets, as I was expecting from the DURO part earlier. It honestly smells like cinammon so, we'll try it.

Okay no that definitely tastes like banana. Definitely definitely. Like freeze dried hell. I hate this and they're really hard ugh. Right that was just unfair. Evil.

Moving on to something safer.


I forgot to smell it in my haste!

It tastes really vaguely of strawberry. Like pathetic children's yoghurt flavour strawberry that you get at youth club. I want you to know that whilst eating these I'm simultaneously researching E-numbers and Lyme disease.

This is such a boring flavour. Oh i am not enjoying this taste test It's really unsatisfying.

Right perhaps something with a bit of zest might wake me up.



Ah my faves. The patterns LOOKED like the fruits on the packaging. It tastes like it too. It tastes like jelly. I love orange it's so good. My faith in touristic confectionary exports is beginning to rise.

These take so long to eat. I've been writing this for 45 minutes :'(


Party timeeee! Smells like nothing though I'm pretty sure I just breathed in boiled sweet apple particles. Haha it tastes like flat apple tango, and like sugar, and also that weird apple popping candy I had once. I am actually mildly allergic to apple and banana so this was a horrendously bad idea because now my mouth and nose is all itchy and horrible. All for the sake of a blog post.

It tastes so lame haha.

Only 3 left.


Smells promising, but unplaceable. Very sugary, very pineapple. I am being bitten on the ankles by a bug whilst having some kind of brain numbing synthetic pineapple induced experience.

It tastes faker than barbie's sun bed.


Oh I've only got 1 left (can't do maths)  PRAISE THE LORD.

ExCePt FoR tHe FaCt It'S tHiS fLaVoUr.

Although, further inspection has lead me to realise it says Limon or Lemon on it but I'm too blind to notice ahaha.

Give it up for....


It tastes like ginger?

I didn't smell it whoops. But it tastes like ginger and lemon at the same time. A bit like when my friend made some cookies that were great and had like some seeds beginning with C in as well as lemon. **brb googling seeds**

Wikipedia is amazing. I am browsing currently a 'List of edible seeds'. Enlighetning.

It wasn't on that list though I have procured the culprit which I believe to be Cardamom.

This is my favourite one actually!

Right, thank god that's over. Only took me an hour to write haha, and longer it shall to add photos and publish the twonking thing.

Much love forever and always,


Wednesday, 22 May 2013

Break-up Diaries

Hello everyone.

The guy I love, or more loved at this moment in time, rang me up, on his birthday, whilst drunk, told me he didn't love me anymore, and that we should end it.

I panicked and rang my mum at this point, and told him I'd ring back. I rang back, 8 times. He didn't speak to me again until on facebook later.

It hurt like a bitch. I stayed up crying for 2 hours with my mum, also in tears. He didn't want to hold me, kiss me, talk to me, see me, do anything with me. Every little thing I'd done with him, stung, thinking he'd never take me to work, I wouldn't see his family again etc, each one was like being kicked back down again after the pain started to ebb away.

I went on fb and saw it was fb official. I changed my pic to just me, after it has been me and him since our relationship started pretty much almost 9 months ago. I updated my status with a :'( and everything. I got sadder and sadder as the night went on, and wrote on his wall "So now I know what you wanted for your birthday"

Followed minutes later by one of his friends, his best friend, telling me not to be a dick. Um, right. I deleted it, mainly so she'd leave me alone. She obviously heard from him about everything, and he probably made her feel very sorry for his situation.

His situation being that the night before I'd had a go at him, quite a nasty one. Because he hadn't been talking to me, interested in me, for a good few weeks, my tensions built up and built up, and I had a go at him, in which he said 'we are over'. But afterwards we resolved it and were back together. This is monday night.

All of tuesday he was texting me saying he loved me, saying he missed me etc. We were both apologetic about the night before, and I wished him happy birthday. I even phoned him twice and he seemed pretty normal and told me he loved me, both times.

Then, on tuesday night he breaks up with me.

So today, wednesday, after crying all the way home looking like an idiot whilst on the phone to various people, trying to take my mind off it, like i had been doing all day. I get in, and decide to facebook him. He replied to that.

He told me he hadn't felt right for weeks, he didn't want to keep leading me on, etc. It was even worse, he wasn't bored of me, he just felt nothing for me, he just didn't want ME. (And let's be honest, I'm worth wanting)

I wasn't angry with him, just sad, and devastated. All day I was confused, was he drunk? did he mean it? etc. I was so in love with him I really was, I dreamt of a future with him. We'd even planned a holiday in Cornwall together with my bro and his gf. I asked him for the money back and he said he was already doing it. I just felt sick.

I cried a lot, I'm probably dangerously dehydrated, but went to work for an hour (-_-) and came home. I went on fb, I asked if the money had transferred etc. I skyped a good friend to take my mind off of it. I then went on Matt's fb, about 20 minutes ago. I am so distraught as he has decided he's going to cornwall with other people, not even 24 hours after breaking up with me. And that was meant to celebrate our year anniversary.

So, now I am definitely angry. I deserve way better than him, nobody fucking deserves that. I deleted him off fb and tbh I don't care. I'm going to have fun with people this summer who I really freaking care about. I am so pissed off.

He wasn't much like me anyway. Not very social or outgoing, not good at languages. This will probably mean I get to find someone else, a lot more suited to me.

The worst part is, I was blaming myself for most of it, and it wasn't even me. A few weeks of him feeling like this, would mean he felt like this 1 or 2 weeks after returning to uni. I've been waiting for him to come back, to celebrate his birthday.

I feel like I've wasted so many thoughts. I've got his hoodie here, and I've got little notes and postcards and reminders, and hearts in my notebooks and pictures on my phone and I just, I feel so weird.

A few days ago he was a massive part of my life, and now, I feel empty and hateful and used.

Sunday, 10 March 2013

Bible stories

Trapped inside a book, I am a living moral
kind of ironic since it's considered quite immoral
what I considered freedom, was against some hidden law
sewn in the seeds an eternity before

if we were meant to have free will
then why was it instilled
the leader led us away from hell
to his own lava filled well

into which we see ourselves
distorted and cut up
i think i might be turning black
and this is so fucked up

i agree it isnt right, to kill and steal and shame
so why if i do something wrong i get the very same?
this hypocritical mess, i don't wanna pass the test
if hell's where the sane ones live ill be sharing with the best

And now my name is known
my face is always shown
but only distored, broken and contorted
and my true self cut and thwarted

I don't want to be shown as an example of something cruel
please don't be like me and do what I ask you too
morals and convictions, yeah they're always good
but please for the love of God, close the fucking book.

Sunday, 10 February 2013

At college, there's this stupid little 'educational app store'. It's fine, well it was. It wasn't doing anyone any harm other than being distracting with the memory pairs game, until it made itself a little advert. It said something along the lines of "you aren't special, you aren't creative, you aren't an author, you just have the educational app store".

Well fuck that, because guess what, you are special, we all have talents, we've all had experience. Experience is what matters in this world. Be kind and others will be kind to you. My life has been an interesting one, there are fragments of it (mainly in Spanish) deeply sunk into the lava of my musings on this blog, but what have I made of it?

I won't lie to you I still struggle everyday with the things that went on, but time IS a great healer. Anyone can cope and survive whatever they have to, the thing is, some days you get squashed like a million rocks are rolling at you and each one screams out all those little insecurities, the bruises shine brightest in the darkest places and you have to let someone help you. Perhaps it's like that everyday for a while, and people start to get tired of it, because yeah, you get it right? You're tired yourself. And it does get difficult when you stop letting people help, because they're going to get tired, and you pull the rocks off yourself, and the bruises don't fade how they would do.

But other days. Those are the ones worth doing it all for, because no matter what has happened to you, something still makes you laugh, someone still makes you smile, and more and more you start to build confidence, that you are better than what happened to you. It doesn't define you, at least not today. When people look at you and they can't see the bruises, and you don't care because it isn't who you are, then that's worthwhile. The days when the world is a better place and all you can possibly do is make it better because you have a story worth sharing, worth giving to others. Because, let's face it, you do.

Be that person who makes peoples days, help people get out from the rocks, because we're all worth it.

Saturday, 26 January 2013

Dream again

So, in my dream I was in this giant medieval town, the last time I dreamt about it I was stealing a cart there and running out of the city gates, but this time, it was far more developed. The college was split up around the town, and I remember I was living there whilst my dad was visiting. We were in a restaurant that had seating all up the middle of a long street, and it was quite narrow. Anyway they had like a first class section, and we got kicked out. My dad not being used to medieval ways tried to argue but I dragged him off. I don't remember much else after that part.

Then later on, I was running to college because I was late for art. I got there, and I threw my university of Southampton water bottle at my teacher (who IRL teaches me Spanish so wtf) then, I ran away again, and my Spanish teacher (who also teaches me Spanish IRL but is a different teacher) told me I should grow up and it doesnt matter than mummy and daddy didn't love me. So I told her to not say that and ran outside of the city gates to where my art teacher lived to apologise, and I got there and I had to swim it, and I was swimming about like some crazy person, and my art teacher was like it's fine d/w bout it. Then we both went outside and this woman legged it past and we chased her, and then I was chosen to swim around and save her, as I did.

Which involved a lot of climbing, jumping and diving and this woman was all bleeding, but I saved her and was crowned hero or something :P

Yeah... then I moved on to another dream

Saturday, 1 December 2012


So me and my boyfriend were shopping for a sound system (coz irl my stepdad keeps banging on about getting one, which he did and the godfather sounded pretty awesome), and we were in this really really shit shop. There was like 1 member of staff and a couple of other people, and the carpet was green and it felt really empty and temporary. So anyway me and Matt were trying to test out this one specific set of speakers, but it wouldn't play any music for us to test, so we followed the lead and it went into a closed room. We entered, and there was a bed and a desk with a computer. Matt did computery stuff and I sat on the bed, coz he's good at computery stuff, and we were trying to make this sound system work.

Well that didn't happen, so we decided to get in the bed, and yeah nothing exciting happened, sadly, because we got interrupted by like these people who are really recognisable (I think ones an actress and the other is a regular at work), and they were like oh awks because we were in bed and, they interrupted to say I was needed at work, which I was suddenly magically transported to. And I was making boxes for a bit, and then I was called over to do something else, which turned out Domino's had turned into a really expensive jewellery shop and we were all wearing black clothes. And me and Katie were manning like a beauty product launch, and I was looking at the nailvarnish, saying a purple sparkly one would be a perfect xmas gift  for my friend, and Katie was saying oh no they're no good, the purple one looks like this (she showed me her hands, it looked dull maroon and not purple) and then she said the alternative 'pearl blue' colour turned out like water.

But Belinda was in charge and we had to keep going up all these different floors in a scary lift and the toilets were right at the bottom and I kept having to escort customers it was REALLY scary.

Yeah so that's that.

Sunday, 21 October 2012

Creepy dreammmm

Okay, so my family have been decorating this weekend. We also have rats in our garden. So the dream starts with these themes

I walked out of my bedroom to find mum cleaning the toilet (which is separate to our bathroom). She started complaining because there were rats in there, and they obviously weren't killing them well enough, as they would obviously be in the way and 'eew gross', I was set with the task of killing them all. They were all baby ones, and for some reason, I had to pick them out of the toilet bowl. Where they weren't drowning.

I had to pick them up, and squeeze them. It was distressing because they were really cute.

I mean lookkkkk :(.

Anyway, so the bowl kept getting bigger and bigger and I ended up having to get in it to get all the rats out. Like the whole of me was in it. I picked up a rat and looked at it, It was soooooo cute, and then I dropped it and it was by my foot. Then I watched it open its mouth and stab me with really long white teeth in the heel of my left foot.

I like ran away after that and was limping about, and went into the living room, about to complain, when I suddenly morphed into Tommy Pickles. The rugrat, and his mum (Didi?) was all "come here Tommy" and it was so odd, I was watching kinda third person. Then they put me/Tommy on the sofa, and were talking to him/me. Then baby Tommy fainted, and then they were all like OH GOD NOOO.

And so off to hospital we went, then the mum imagined like the future for Tommy, or me, because she had to  make a decision - Tommy would be disabled in one way or another, but she could decide which. Then, it wasn't cartoon and I was the adult Tommy, rolling around in a coffee/smoothie shop that reoccurs in my dreams often, and yeah, like I was rolling on the floor, and there was something to do with a gun, and then Didi, after having the premonition, decided what she was going to do, but I never found out, because I woke up :P.