Break-up Diaries

Hello everyone.

The guy I love, or more loved at this moment in time, rang me up, on his birthday, whilst drunk, told me he didn't love me anymore, and that we should end it.

I panicked and rang my mum at this point, and told him I'd ring back. I rang back, 8 times. He didn't speak to me again until on facebook later.

It hurt like a bitch. I stayed up crying for 2 hours with my mum, also in tears. He didn't want to hold me, kiss me, talk to me, see me, do anything with me. Every little thing I'd done with him, stung, thinking he'd never take me to work, I wouldn't see his family again etc, each one was like being kicked back down again after the pain started to ebb away.

I went on fb and saw it was fb official. I changed my pic to just me, after it has been me and him since our relationship started pretty much almost 9 months ago. I updated my status with a :'( and everything. I got sadder and sadder as the night went on, and wrote on his wall "So now I know what you wanted for your birthday"

Followed minutes later by one of his friends, his best friend, telling me not to be a dick. Um, right. I deleted it, mainly so she'd leave me alone. She obviously heard from him about everything, and he probably made her feel very sorry for his situation.

His situation being that the night before I'd had a go at him, quite a nasty one. Because he hadn't been talking to me, interested in me, for a good few weeks, my tensions built up and built up, and I had a go at him, in which he said 'we are over'. But afterwards we resolved it and were back together. This is monday night.

All of tuesday he was texting me saying he loved me, saying he missed me etc. We were both apologetic about the night before, and I wished him happy birthday. I even phoned him twice and he seemed pretty normal and told me he loved me, both times.

Then, on tuesday night he breaks up with me.

So today, wednesday, after crying all the way home looking like an idiot whilst on the phone to various people, trying to take my mind off it, like i had been doing all day. I get in, and decide to facebook him. He replied to that.

He told me he hadn't felt right for weeks, he didn't want to keep leading me on, etc. It was even worse, he wasn't bored of me, he just felt nothing for me, he just didn't want ME. (And let's be honest, I'm worth wanting)

I wasn't angry with him, just sad, and devastated. All day I was confused, was he drunk? did he mean it? etc. I was so in love with him I really was, I dreamt of a future with him. We'd even planned a holiday in Cornwall together with my bro and his gf. I asked him for the money back and he said he was already doing it. I just felt sick.

I cried a lot, I'm probably dangerously dehydrated, but went to work for an hour (-_-) and came home. I went on fb, I asked if the money had transferred etc. I skyped a good friend to take my mind off of it. I then went on Matt's fb, about 20 minutes ago. I am so distraught as he has decided he's going to cornwall with other people, not even 24 hours after breaking up with me. And that was meant to celebrate our year anniversary.

So, now I am definitely angry. I deserve way better than him, nobody fucking deserves that. I deleted him off fb and tbh I don't care. I'm going to have fun with people this summer who I really freaking care about. I am so pissed off.

He wasn't much like me anyway. Not very social or outgoing, not good at languages. This will probably mean I get to find someone else, a lot more suited to me.

The worst part is, I was blaming myself for most of it, and it wasn't even me. A few weeks of him feeling like this, would mean he felt like this 1 or 2 weeks after returning to uni. I've been waiting for him to come back, to celebrate his birthday.

I feel like I've wasted so many thoughts. I've got his hoodie here, and I've got little notes and postcards and reminders, and hearts in my notebooks and pictures on my phone and I just, I feel so weird.

A few days ago he was a massive part of my life, and now, I feel empty and hateful and used.